Transforming Tash: Self-Blame

Tri Training NZIt’s been easy to blame someone else. To blame a lifes challenge that came out of nowhere. To blame anyone or anything except the one real person who is actually to blame. Myself. Over the past few years, there have been many occasions where I have attempted to get fit and lose weight. At the start I am generally on track, completing exercise, reducing the amount of sugar or processed food that I consume. And then one thing happens and I think well that plan is ruined, might as well have the rest of the day, week, month off. This of course results in achieving nothing but self destruction and negative thoughts about oneself.

Over the past two months I made the promise to really look inside myself. Ask myself the hard questions, the stuff I know I have kept buried for years. The stuff that I am ashamed to openly to admit, or to even talk about with a third person. I guess some people may even call this personal self growth. Sometimes it has been scary, sometimes it has been enlightening, but most importantly it has been insightful. I feel as though I have some sort of plan as to where I want to go. This journey is not about me losing weight and getting fit. It is about me learning to love myself, discover myself, be myself. I feel as though I have been lost for so long that the lost feeling became my normal feeling of life, which is sad. How is that inspiring and motivating for my children? It’s not and they are one of the reasons I need to continue along this journey. There will be haters.  There will be people that doubt. But I will own this. When it gets tough, either in life or training sessions and motivation is low, emotions are high, I will need to find a way to centre my soul and to keep me moving forward. At times this movement may only be at crawling pace, but I am ok with that. I know I am starting at the start, stripping away the old, and rebuilding to create to something even better. This is about finding out who I am. I am ready for this. Ok I’m also a little scared, but most of all I am ready.

 

Natasha McCosh

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