You have to want it for yourself.
This is a saying I have heard many times and one that I thought I actually got the meaning of. Turns out I didn’t, because when life threw a curve ball at me, exercise and healthy (ish) eating were the first things to go.
I originally set out with the goal of completing a Half Ironman in December, and it was for me. This year was going to be all about me and my wants. I was going to be selfish.
Turns out the reasons I wanted to complete were not about me. They were still about someone else. I wanted to prove someone wrong. I wanted to show someone that I was stronger than them. I wanted to rub salt in the open wound of someone else when I crossed that finish line. All those reasons were not about me. It was still about a group of other people that I wanted to impress.
Three months ago I fell off the wagon. I did not just fall to the ground gently either. I fell with a hiss and a thud, and it is only now three months later that I realise how much that tumble hurt. While I am trying not to dwell on the past and just pick myself up and start again, I really want to see if I can identify the reasons as to why it happened.
Why is that when life gets busy, stressful or something happens out of the ordinary a nice glass of water is not the fluid I reach for. Why does it have to be a nice cold glass (ok bottle) of sav?
Why does that feel as though it helps me cope when it reality it has the opposite effect. If I drink wine, I eat crap. I then feel like crap, so exercise is more than likely not going to happen the next day. I then feel guilty that I have not done any training so I make myself feel better by having a glass of wine, and so the cycle continues.
The next thing I know, three months have passed and 7 kgs have come to say hello.
Someone sent me a one line message the other day. One line was all it took for me to realise I need to look at the way I am dealing with life right now. That message was simply “Sha, more than ever you need to exercise to cope”.
I cannot say that message got me out the door pounding the pavement, but it did plant the seed.
The next day I had a parcel arrive. A beanie and a card that said “get your A into G”. OK the card may have said slightly more, but knowing Ray is there and knows when to push me and when to give me space helps. So thank you Ray for giving me that time to sort though everything and then encouraging me to start again.
I have down graded to the 1/4 Ironman in December. I am OK with that. I thought I would struggle announcing the downgraded event and people would see me as a failure. But dude, seriously, how many people are not even doing a 5km in December? At least I am moving. I am training and I am growing as a person. That is enough for me. Stuff what other people think. It is none of my business what other people think of me. I feel at peace with that. I have friends who are doing the IronMaori Half Ironman. Once I have finished my 1/4 you can count on me being there cheering you all on! I can’t wait!!!!
So here I am, four days into starting again. I know I can do this. I know and believe my reasons for wanting to do this are actually all for me. They are not driven by wanting to prove someone else wrong. They are about me wanting the best out of my life. I want to live. I do not want to just exist in this body in this lifetime. I want to have a life. A damn exciting and challenging one at the same time.